It’s been approximately one million days of pandemic self-isolation. And while mostly everyone is working from home, those male military regulation haircuts are looking a little scruffy.
Ladies in the military, I’m sorry. This post is for all the gents out there because they’ve got to keep it high and tight.
Now, look, no one wants to leave the house because germs. Which 100% removes going to the barber as an option.
What’s a hard-charging guy to do? Enlist his spouse to do the perfect fade for him, of course!
Easy Tips for a Perfect Pandemic Military Haircut
Editor’s Note: no Marines were physically harmed in the haircutting process detailed in this article. However, his pride was deeply wounded.
And that’s exactly what my husband did in April. Suddenly, I needed to learn how to do a zero to three fade on his head. Perfect symmetry was a must, obviously, as well as a faultless blend.
What follows is my documentation of that attempt. Full disclosure: he wouldn’t submit to pictures being taken during this journey. You’ll understand why.
I’ve seen my husband’s gorgeous Devil Dog-authorized military cut for over a decade. But I’ve never attempted to administer this cut myself. However, duty called and I responded, “Aye-aye!”
Before I whipped out the clippers, I wanted to do a little research first. So I turned to my trusty ally: YouTube.
After watching this guy cut his own hair, I felt ready to tackle my husband’s hair.
Clippers were oiled and a suitable salon-worthy cape was acquired. Ready for action.
In Which I Attempt a Marine Corps Fade
Things didn’t go well from the start. Even with a complete walkthrough in the video, when confronted with an actual head of hair, I felt woefully unprepared.
Still, he needed to meet regulations and I was the only one around to support him. Before firing up the Wahl, I triple checked that he didn’t want to just attempt this himself.
“How bad could it be?”
Oh, we were about to find out.
The first pass at the base of his neck went well. and I got the zero part of his cut done nicely.
The first issue popped up as I attempted to move to the next section: not zero.
Giving a Perfect Military Haircut is Hard!
Fun fact: heads are lumpy and bumpy, making symmetrical haircuts a challenge under the best of circumstances. These were not the best of circumstances.
My clippers slipped a little and suddenly that zero cut was reaching a lot higher up the back of his head.
No worries, I can totally fix this when I blend.
I moved on to the next segment and swapped in a new clipper guard. As I attempted to mix the completely shaved section of hair into the very low buzzed section, I started to feel like I was in over my head.
Not helping matters was the fact that my spouse is 6’3′. I’m 5’9″, but even sitting in a chair, it was hard to move my body around to keep things even.
The Tight Part Gets Higher
As lines kept zigging and zagging, I kept trying to adjust. Suddenly, that tight part of the haircut was very high on his head.
Also, I 100% gave him an out from this disaster and he refused. It’s basically his own fault.
Again, I paused and let him assess the damage. Yes, even the very high and very tight sections.
Still, he insisted that it could be “fixed.” I, however, was losing my very limited faith in both myself and my video instructor. This was not going according to his video. Although, operator error was likely a factor.
Admitting Defeat in the Quest for a Military Reg Pandemic Cut At Home
I made a valiant attempt to do damage control, as requested. But what ended up happening was that things got a whole lot balder.
Truly, I tried to make things seem okay. I even switched out the guard for a longer attachment for the top section.
But there was just no saving this ‘do from the inevitable.
Because we were doing this at the kitchen table, there wasn’t a mirror immediately available for him to check on my progress. I just had a handheld one for quick checks.
As I kept going, at his insistence that it couldn’t be that bad, I lost it. Tears sprang to my eyes as I took in the ruin of his hair. I was sad, but also trying to keep the giggles from erupting and revealing just how badly I had done.
Finally, I lost control. There was no way that this haircut could be salvaged from the inevitable.
I broke it to my sweet, trusting husband gently.
“Babe, you’re gonna lose it all.”
He shuddered, but agreed once he looked at my attempt in the mirror. He handed over the clippers once again and I got to work. This time, I didn’t even attempt to use anything other than the lowest setting, evening everything out to “zero.”
Lessons were learned by all during this trying time.
First, don’t get attached to your hair. And second, lean into the bald look. It’s technically military regulation approved!