Dear MilitaryShoppers,
My husband and I recently got divorced. The transition has been hard. I am struggling with the idea that I am no longer considered a military spouse even though I endured 7 moves and 3 deployments. Am I an ex-military spouse? Is there such a thing?
–Struggling Civilian
Once a Marine, always a Marine. There’s no such thing as an ex-Marine. It’s a matter of honor, so why would you– the military spouse– feel as though you deserve anything less?
Perhaps you are no longer a part of the military community. Your spouse may have retired, separated from the military after a number of years, been discharged because of a disability or any number of other reasons. Until the question was asked this month, “Is There Such a Thing as an Ex-Military Spouse?” the notion had never crossed my mind. Why would it?
I grew up as an Army brat and was so sad when my dad retired. I felt like I was part of something special and then it was gone. I told him so on Thanksgiving that year when our tradition of visiting the soldiers at the mess halls was missing from that day. It wasn’t just that I got a slice of pumpkin pie at each one (hey I was a kid and there were only 3), but that I got to spend time with my dad and see all the smiling happy faces. I can still picture it, everyone passing plates, the noise so loud with cheer. It may sound funny and so simplistic but at that point my whole life had been part of this great military community. Isn’t it the small things in life that count? At this moment now, I’m considering the question. Did I become an ex-military child? Was my mother now an ex-military spouse?
Were you a military child? What memories do you have?
I would never consider myself or my mother that way. The wonderful experiences we had made us who we are. We will never lose that.
I find myself, years later, back in the embrace of the military lifestyle. My husband is in the Navy and so I am an Army brat and a Navy wife. One day he will leave active duty and I will once again say good-bye to this community. Will that really make me an ex-military spouse? No.
Ex-military spouse sounds so harsh. Did we break up? Former military spouse, I could handle that term. We had a great relationship and it will end happily. I will take the memories I have made from the beginning of my life through the beginning of our child’s life.
This has been after all, our life. This was never just a job.
For some, the experience might not have been so magical in their minds. Everything isn’t always peachy. Moving so often has its challenges. Your spouse deploying for long periods of time can leave you vulnerable. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and you’ll make friends and leave friends. You will get frustrated when your favorite thing is broken by the movers or your spouse’s deployment gets extended.
This is all part of it. You are a military spouse.
You will make some great memories as a military spouse to reflect upon for years.
When the day comes that you are no longer the spouse of an active duty service member your life will change. You will embark on a new adventure, but the memories you have made will remain part of you.
You served your time just as your spouse did. You earned the right to keep that honor.
The same notion holds true for military spouses who divorce their sponsors. Yes, your official relationship with both the military community and service member has ended. You may feel sad or angry at the onset but looking back you’ll still have the memories of great times as a family. You experienced the same events and emotions as any military spouse.
Some may disagree. You’ll be judged, even if people proclaim that they do no such thing. You may feel ostracized and lose all your connections within the community. It doesn’t matter what they say; you aren’t talking to them anyway. You were part of something special, no matter how long that was.
You are a military spouse, former military spouse if you prefer, but you will never be an ex-military spouse. None of us will.
How do you feel? Is there such a thing as an ex-military spouse?
I am struggling with this right now. I grew up as an Air Force brat and traded one dependent ID card for another when I married at twenty. He and I traveled the world and raised our two AF brats. After 24 years we split. Although we were married more than 20 years and he was active more than 20 years, I was only a military spouse for 18 as we married after he enlisted and am no longer eligible for any base privileges. I accept that I am no longer entitled to benefits, but I struggle with the concept that I no longer have a status of any type. Military spouse-dom (and child-dom) is a lifestyle only those that have been there truly understand. I am proud of my time supporting my Airman and am grateful I grew up as an Airman’s daughter. That is my take away.
The truth is our military couldn’t make it in the military without their spouse. But it’s sad the military don’t care about the spouses. Spouses get moved around & don’t get a guaranteed job, even if spouse have a job transfer you have to be placed on a list for childcare (or go to a civilian daycare & not be able to afford it). The military will hold job fairs but won’t provide childcare for an hour so you can land that job. It’s by far not easy being a military spouse. A lot of military marriages fail because of the way they are trained, job comes first. It makes ‘home life’ very difficult. They train them to be emotionless, which makes any relationship difficult (with extended family, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, even their own children!) The military needs to truly help to keep families together like they already claim to do. They need to make sure both military & spouse have all the info they need to get help to fix a marriage. But like stated above, even if you are an ‘ex-military spouse’ you served your time & went above & beyond. & that service member couldn’t be that good solider without a good spouse beside them. And nobody is stronger than a military spouse!
It’s kind of an identity crisis! When my Huns and I met, I was nineteen, he had 8 years of service already under his belt. I dove into the ‘army wife ‘ thing head first. I was an infantry wife, I was proud of that title(though not in the snooty my hubs is better, you respect my nonexistent rank way). When he was medically retired out of the army, I was at a loss. I felt like part of myself was left behind for the new life of ‘retired -army wife’. It was honestly kind of strange that at 24, I was married to a retiree. What did that make me? Now, after two years of dealing with everything that medical retirement entails, I’ve quit trying to figure it out. There really isn’t any appropriate term for it, so ‘retired’ army wife is what I tell people. I love that this was addressed. A lot of spouses out there really don’t know what to tell people.
Hubs* not Huns…auto correct
Sam, you are in a category of your own, as a wife of a retiree you are still a military wife. The spouses who don’t deserve a military “title” are those who divorce from their military spouse, for their own path. You on the other hand are still there for your soldier.
I was a military spouse (army wife) for 8 years. And I am now a civilian (divorced) it has been over a year and I’m still struggling trying to adjust. I find myself missing the life often. The bond the friendships. The conveniences of living on post. All the things you take for granted while you are involved in the military. I will NEVER consider myself an X MILITARY wife. Because I feel 8 years…. 3 deployments. And 2 PCS ‘ S. I feel I’ve earned it.
I’ve faced the same question when my ex-husband divorced me. I was able to simply shift my title and focus on the “Soldier” part of my life, but not being a dual military couple was throwing me for some hard loops. I loved it when people around me pointed out that I left my “Military Wife” status with honor (I always completely supported my ex’s career, he’s the one that left me) and I should be able to use the term “Former”, just like Soldiers (and other branches) ETS and are “Veterans”, not Ex-Soldiers. Now I’m back in the Military spouse category without the Dual Miliatary Soldier safety net and facing the possible transition into being a “Former” Army Spouse again thanks to RCP.
It seems really unhealthy to have no identity of your own, and be so attached to your spouse’s career. My dad was in the Navy, until I was 18 and I later married my husband who is also military, the military has always been apart of my life, BUT it is not my whole life. It blows my mind that so many women are so attached to some idea that being a military spouse give them some sort of “status.” While I am proud, very proud, of my husband and his service, I will never call my self an “Army Wife” I am his wife, I dont feel like I need to tag his career on to my title as “wife.”
No. There is no such thing. There is no honor earned as a Military spouse. I grew up a military brat and am now in the Military. This is the most asinine backwards thing I have ever read (and this is the internet…). YOU did not endure deployments, your spouse did. YOU did not endure days weeks months or years away like your spouse did. Yes the military spouse life is not easy (and don’t get me started on Firemen, EMT, and Police officers) but you are entitled to nothing after the divorce. We need to stop being PC to these women and start telling it like it is.
Thank you
HELL YES there is a such thing!! I am married to a soldier who was married before me TWICE b/c wife No. 1 couldn’t be lonely so she slept around and took his kid. Wife No. 2 couldn’t “handle” military life. I have stood by him through 2 of his FOUR deployments, PTSD, TBI, and various other medical issues. My husband is a great man. If you get DIVORCED NO you are no longer a military spouse PERIOD.
Just because your husband has a bad past with ex wives does not mean all of divorces are caused from the women. I was married to a marine for 4 years. I did the deployments and even had our daughter while he was deployed. I never cheated and although I was sad to see him go I never hated the military for taking him. I had pride in our military family and knew what the job discription was.
After putting up with the mental abuse and some physical abuse. And finding out that he cheated not once but 7 times I still tried counseling. But even with that it takes two to make things work. After going through that I still loved the Millitary life because of the “family” you become.
Not everyone’s story is the same. There are good guys in the military (your husband) but there are also bad ones too (my ex). I did my part as a military wife. So I don’t think I should be considered an ex. I didn’t divorce the military. I divorced him. Former military wife yes. And I still do my part volunteering.
Please take that into consideration.
I have such an issue trying to grasp where in the world this self entitlement comes from. If my husband and I got divorced, I would be an ex-wife. Not a ex-military wife. If your husband is a fireman, are you a firemans wife? If your husband is in the CIA, are you a CIA wife? No, you make your own identity. Who needs some title that our spouses earned by signing their life to the government? Well not I, and it’s sad to me that so many women/men do.
After almost 17 years as a military spouse the transition has been difficult. However what i have learned is that the friendships i made at the various installations we were at, are still strong. I have lost some friends as a result, but feel that those must have not been the ones that could withstand what i was going through. The many memories, the friendships, the loss, the love, and the proud feeling will not go away. I was a military spouse and as a civilian now can face anything and know that i can get through it with a combination of friends. These milspouses that I call friends are some of the best people i have met. The military may have brought us together, but our bond will never be broken.
I honestly don’t think there is such a thing. My husband is retired Navy. I believe either you are or, you aren’t. Most people leave because they can’t “hack” it, or they make their spouses life so completely unbearable that it’s next to impossible to function properly on deployment. As a military spouse, you know what you are getting into when you married them, if you cannot handle it and use your option to wimp out on the marriage than that’s you decision entirely. You have not “earned” anything… Because you did not stick it out and try.
I like this article. I was indeed an Army wife. He had his trials and tribulations during deployments just as the children and I. Particularly after his ptsd, hostility and combative actions towards us gave us a host of issues in therapy, including our own ptsd. We didn’t serve on the front lines, but believe me, we sacrificed much for love of this man and country. I wouldn’t change that. I felt I did a service by keeping him well cared for, taking care of everything home front so he could be at peace doing his duty. I am a 20/20/20 spouse and believe I served in whatever capacity I could. I hope to someday help other soldiers and families if I can
If you divorce the military member you should get a great attorney. Get one who knows military benefits, pension and how frequently military are called away for schools, training and deployment these days.
It is an adjustment to live back in the real world and have to pay your utilities yourself and on time. It gets better. It gets better faster if your attorney works to get you the most advantages settlement!
If your getting half of the retirement and have an ID card you are not an ex
From the other side. My ex-wife and I were married 14 years during my military career. We had and raised 2 sons. Because of personal problems that I won’t even hint here, we had an amicable divorce, to include a partial pay of my military retirement pay if I remained to 20 years, which I did. Because our sons were under 18, they were still entitled to all military heal, bx, etc. privileges. Unfortunately my ex made some poor check choices that reflected on me, so I had to pay, and I was able, after proving my case to AAFES officials, limit her buying at AAFES to cash only. When I retired, I discovered a very serious mistake. My attorney and I figured a formula to give her a fair portion of my pay after I retired, for the years we were together. It was based on 14 years marriage. But, due to my poor and my attorney’s poor diligence, and perhaps the very sharp diligence of my wife’s attorney (she did not attend conference), I agreed upon my day of retirement, the first retirement pay I received, I would send her x $. I stayed in, advanced in rank, and upon retirement, I reviewed our divorce decree, and found we did not set a time limit for the payment, which had been 14 years. When I called her to ask if she understood the payment would be forever, or for 14 years, she quickly said forever. I said I might go back to court and ask a judge to review, and she said she would fight it forever. So for 34 years, Ive been sending her a check. As she was in the military and dated, got out and then we reunited, she is ex military on her own. She’s ex-military also, as she’s tied to me forever through those retirement payments I make. Yes, I deduct as alimony and she has to claim as income, but as far as I’m concerned, I see no problem as a female or male saying I’m an ex military spouse. Its easier than saying I was married to a military man or woman. If the struggling civilian that posted this statement, isn’t receiving any benefits due to she not being represented by a competent attorney, or if his/her spouse has retired, obviously, the military benefits are gone, with limitations. She can still go to a military base, register as a guest, go to the base legal office, and explain her situation to see if he/she has any military benefits. Other than that, I don’t see what exactly he/she is asking.
Sounds like you are a “military ex-wife,” not an “ex-Military Wife.”
Weird. I’m married to an active duty military member, and I’m currently, GASP!, a civilian!
It is unfortunate that you have suffered what so many associated with ‘military’ life endure….divorce. Especially in times like the present, where long, protracted deployments put such a strain on the families of those deployed. That coupled with what many of our warriors return home with…..PTSD, the numbers are staggering. As a retired senior enlisted Sailor and former “military brat”, I am infinitely familiar with the pitfalls. The family of those in service ARE, in my humble opinion, serving as well. Just because you are no longer married, does not mean you didn’t serve. You will ALWAYS be that military spouse, ex or not Should your significant other continue serving to retirement, there are provisions that allow for compensation to those that supported the service member during their career. There are guidelines that can be reviewed at any RAO (Retired Activities Office), located throughout the country. Thank You, for your service, as well.
With all that MOST” mil.wives sacrifice we should be able to keep some benefits but I found we are just a # and very easily replaced! It was a very difficult life for me and my kids and we endured abuse as well kinda feels lkie a waste but I guess it was also our destiny!
After 11 years of marriage, I started to realize that I have lost my own identity cuz I have become too comfortable being a dependent, that has almost nothing to worry about except for raising my kids…….. it is very unhealthy and I am on the way to redefine myself as who I am and as what I am capable of as an individual, not a military dependent.
There is no such thing! You either are or are not a military spouse. When you get divorced you loose those rights, except under the conditions that the military deems you are still eligible, such as being married for 20+ years of your spouse’s active service, so essentially, til retirement. A military brat, is a different story, they are born into that and can always consider them-self a military child. But spouses out there need to realize and come to terms with all the consequences of their choices, including not being “special” anymore. If you had really wanted to identify as military your whole life, you would have served the time yourself. This is coming from a Navy brat/Army spouse/Disabled Veteran.
You are not the first nor will be the last one to be married – divorced moves, deployments etc at the moment you feel sorry for yourself and I understand the situation no one will point a finger to you as ex-mil wife if the friends you made while married if they are real friends they still be your friends and one way to keep in touch with mil . life or its members is doing volunteer work I know volunteers that are civies and volunteer at the mil installation, also the USO, a VA Hospital there are lots of opportunities join a VFW, American Legion,etc try to find a job in a military installation plus I assure you time will take care of things move on life is too short.
I wrote this way ’cause I had friends that went through the same we are still friends and time took care of the situation GO ON BE STRONG and good luck
And this is why every wife needs to have an identity of her own. How does your husband`s job define YOU? If your husband were a firefighter, would you struggle with the transition??? Come on, ladies!! As a Military Spouse of 16 years, I ve seen my share of deployments (6), numerous times being alone for weeks on end due to school, rescue missions like for Hurricane Katrina so, all while raising two special needs kids , working and going to school. If you have a full life of your own , you won`t have to re-identify yourself, once you take the husband out of the equation.
I was and still do consider myself an Army Brat, Army Veteran, and an Army Spouse, never did I hear my mother call herself anything but an Army Spouse she was married to my father for 36 years before she past,
I went into the service the year my father retired, and married while I was in the service, and then became a spouse, and after 30 years I still consider myself a spouse.
I think once you have gone through all the moves and the deployments we will always be a Military spouse.
The benefits of commissary and exchange are EARNED. They are not a right or a privilege.. If military member leaves the service before retirement, that person is NOT entitled to a retired card of the privileges it provides. If a spouse cannot fulfill the vows of marriage, the privileges are not available.
. Betty and I have been married since 1959. She has been an Air Force Wife all these years. She is special. She has more than earned all the privileges of a military wife. A former wife who quit the relationship has no one to blame but herself. We are all responsible for our own decisions and our own actions. The ex-wife should pull up her panties like a big girl and move on – and OUT of the service.
I didn’t read that it was her fault for the marriage to fall apart so who says it wasn’t his doing????
I hate the terms Brat and Ex—. You are a Military dependent and a Former spouse.
I was a military spouse for 28 years before the divorce. I went through the deployments, taking care of the family while he studied for promotion tests, learning how to budget with military pay, and being a “single” parent even though I wasn’t. A military member retires and I consider myself a retired military spouse since our divorce took place around the same time as his retirement.