In September, I will have been a proud Army wife for 19 years.
I’ve had it easier than some as I grew up in a military family, watched both of my parents put on a uniform on a daily basis until they retired my senior year of high school. I traveled abroad and across this country. I embraced the good and then stuck alongside my spouse. Along the way, we’ve raised 3 amazing kids and the official countdown to retirement has begun. The light at the end of that particular tunnel is just under 2 years away.
As I look back over my time as a military spouse, there is much to celebrate, much to be proud of and only a handful of regrets. Surprisingly, the hardest part of this entire journey has only recently come to light.
Hubby and I sat at the kitchen table, him with a cup of coffee, me drafting the weekly shopping list. The conversation turned to the future, as it often does, and I asked him what he wanted to with his life after he retired from the Army. As the words left my lips, a startling reality took root in my gut.
What was I going to do after he retired? Who was I if not an active-duty Army wife?
Somewhere in the midst of all the PCS orders and moving boxes, at one of the countless unit functions or while watching his boots go from black to brown, I had pinned a shiny, golden “exemplary military spouse” badge to my chest and let it define who I was and how I lived my life.
My standard answer to “tell us about yourself,” was always “Proud Army wife and mother of 3.” But is that really all I am?
He took a sip of his coffee and rattled off his new career wish list, the beginning stages of a plan of attack for his transition forming as he spoke. I sat trying to stay calm and not let on that I was staring straight into the face of an honest-to-God identity crisis.
Who was I going to be after the Army? Who was I now?
How many jobs had I passed up or quit because the “needs of the Army” meant the needs of our family became my sole responsibility?
How many times had the powers-that-be seemed to foresee pending natural disasters or medical emergencies and sent my spouse off into the world to do his duty, while leaving me to pick up the pieces?
How many times had I swallowed my own fears and wants so as not to be a burden to my service member as he carried the weight and responsibility of leadership on his shoulders?
How many times had I polished that “exemplary military spouse” badge and told myself that sacrifice was a a requirement? That duty to country trumped all other needs? Would I be able to handle a change of priorities?
The Army has given me a community, a way of life, but it also repeatedly put me at a crossroads between living my own dreams and being the support system my service member needed while he chased his.
It has provided the financial stability that has allowed me to start a business, complete a degree and buy a home. But it has also forced me to put any and all of those things on the back burner when duty calls.
Up until that moment, the standard answer to “tell us about yourself,” was always
“Proud Army wife and mother of 3.”
But is that really all I am? When the day arrives that I am no longer married to the military, how will I lead off?
True to form, I kept my concerns about my future to myself and finished up the shopping list. As we headed to the commissary it occurred to me that of all of the challenges I had faced as a military spouse, the hardest part, it would seem, was developing a sense of self that would sustain me for the majority of life that would come after the Army.
I am still coming to terms with the idea that life will go on, even if we don’t hear revelry and retreat. Even if there are no longer combat boots in the foyer. Even if I have to start checking the box, “retiree spouse.” I am, however, incredibly thankful for the life I’ve had as a military spouse. The lessons learned will make my journey of self-discovery easier. Of that, I’m certain.
Maybe the hardest part of this whole thing hasn’t been the separations. Maybe it hasn’t been the worry about where he is or when he’ll be home. Maybe it hasn’t even been the struggle to figure out who I am in the shadow of his service.
Maybe the hardest part of being a military spouse will be leaving it behind.
I can definitely relate to Veronica’s article. Being a military spouse is both exciting and sometimes taxing, but overall, it’s the best life that I’ve experienced.
Sadly, those years roll by so fast…..leaving us (spouses) with the question: “Who or what will I become after his/her retirement?”
I thoroughly enjoyed this article and look forward to reading more experiences of other military spouses after retirement.
I agree with the writer. I am a Veteran, the wife of a Veteran, and the daughter of a Veteran. Somehow I thought that by being the daughter and the Veteran I would of been able to handle it better when my husband retired, but I had given up a lot of things to take care of a family and kind of lost sight of who I was, here he was going to have a job with the Government and we were going to move again for his job but what about me trying to get a job to go with my degree from state to state is very hard, oh don’t get me wrong I love my husband and all the places I have been able to travel to but now that we have stopped where am I who am I all these things come to mind then I think of all the skills I have learned Volunteering, and know how books I have learned a lot now just to get the resume to look right and get paid thanks for friends and my husband for understanding how life has been but it’s getting better.
My husband retires next year, with 30 years of service. The Army has been my life for 28 years.
The hardest part right now seems letting it go. I’m actually trying to figure out how I will adjust to being in the same house forever. No more moving, possible finding a job I love and being able to keep it for longer than a year.
We raised our four kids during his career, I had more jobs in the Federal government than I can recall. I too will miss the boots at the door and the early morning wake ups because he’s running out the door at O -dark thirty.
I worry about him adjusting to a new career, wearing civilian clothes to work, but I’m hopeful he will find a job that he enjoys,
When we say goodbye next year to this life ,this life that we consumed for so many years, I wonder what will we think of feel the next morning.
The morning after the ceremony, when the uniform is hung up one last time for good, not fresh from the cleaners. Just hung in the closet for good.
What will we feel?
My wife and I fell in love at the age of 15 and married at 17, quitting school without a high school diploma. At 20 years of age I joined the U.S. Navy and became an E -3 Hospital Corpsman aboard two aircraft carriers. We both work together and obtained our high school diplomas at night school and our college degrees at night school. When I began my U.S. Air Force career in 1973 as a 1st lieutenant , my wife began her civil-service career on the same Air Force base as a GS-4. Over 20 years later, I being transferred to many bases, she ended a 28 federal service career as a GS-12, Chief, Base Housing Manager, Beale AFB, CA., Her salary at $78,000 per year. In fact she “broke the female glass ceiling” at Beale as in the 50+ year history of the base they had never promoted a female before that. It was always the “good old boy” promotions cycle. Two years after she made Chief, Base Housing Manager she was awarded a trophy and the title of Best Chief Housing Manager Of Air Combat Command, Langley AFB, VA.. And that was a first for Beale Air Force Base! They paid her airfare to fly to Langley AFB and wined and dined her for three days to receive the trophy onstage in front of a large audience. I was extremely proud of her and her accomplishments. So that’s how she handled “the hardest part of being a military wife.” There’s a message here, folks. gember@syix.com
Your wife was very blessed!
I was never able to transfer with my federal service, I had to resign many times due to my LWOP time running out.
I started in the Federal Government in 1998 as a GS-04 and in 19 years only made it to GS-09. Every move was a struggle, as of right now I’m unemployed and can’t get a job on base.
I have a Masters degree and 10 years of solid government service and still can’t a job.
So again she is very blessed,
I think thats what the message is!
Finding myself after retirement, has been hard. Once a month I go shop at the commissary and spend the day there visiting with milatary wives current and retired. It’s been hard as a retired BioChemist, there are no jobs where we retired. So I am fully retired now for 5 years. My once a month shopping trip brings me peace and helps me endure. I have found my nitch in the local community and beginning to enjoy this new way of life.
I served 12years in the USAF. We meet and married while serving in Okinawa. We’ve been married for 42 year’s now.