I joined the military spouse ranks at the end of an era. Which specific era, you might wonder? Well, the end of the blatant separation of spouses into “officer” and “enlisted.”
When my husband was wrapping up his stint at initial training, all of us wives (and it was only wives) were herded into an auditorium and given the rundown on life as a USMC spouse. We learned the ropes from a seasoned spouse and were handed a copy of Parade Rest.
We were lectured about protocol and decorum. I, the dependent spouse, was a direct reflection on my husband and his career. My behavior needed to be impeccable at all times. The correct place settings and seating arrangements for every possible formal and informal dinner party was reviewed in my new book.
Oh, and the rules against officer and enlisted fraternization were reviewed. But I didn’t really pay close attention to that part of the seminar. I guess it covered spouses, too. I mean, it must have, based on how other newly minted military spouses were acting.
I crossed the unwritten officer and enlisted friendship line.
And I don’t care. Because that line isn’t a real thing. It’s something that someone way back in the “good old days” created.
Some of the friends that I do life best with happen to be on the “other side” of that line.
The whole rank thing came up once at the beginning of each friendship. And then it was done.
No one blinked.
No one flinched.
Our spouses’ ranks aren’t even discussed, except for a hearty congratulations when someone gets promoted.
We’re all just spouses. By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached.
I have just a few criteria for my friends. First, be kind to my kids, but don’t be afraid to make them toe the line.
Also, it would be nice to enjoy a few similar hobbies. I’m into true crime, running, reading, writing and being salty about military life.
Finally, I like to have adventures and try new things.
Can you hang with that? Great! You’re in.
This attitude is becoming more and more the norm of military life and friendship among spouses.
The atmosphere has changed slowly over the last decade or so. I’m so glad that it has too. It makes everything much nicer and friendlier. Having an “all-hands” spouses club unites all of us for the good and, honestly, the food.
It wasn’t always like this, even in the very recent past.
I remember overhearing troubling conversations as a young(er) spouse. Harsh, untrue stereotypes were repeated. Some folks thought they could “just tell” what rank someone’s spouse wore based on their accent, clothing, number of children or perceived education level.
When I volunteered in the family readiness group at our first duty station, a few spouses liked to throw down rank very obviously. As if it made a difference to who got the last word.
Related: 10 Situations that Hurt a MilSpouse Friendship
One of my friends from that experience happened to be married to an enlisted Marine. After all the nonsense at my military spouse indoctrination, I was nervous about venturing into this friendship. I didn’t want to create a situation. I hesitated to connect on Facebook. I paused before socializing outside of unit events.
Then my husband set me straight.
We’re all just spouses.
By “just” I really mean without the officer or enlisted caveat attached. At the end of the day, we married the person our hearts connected to the most.
It wasn’t because of what was on their collars, but because of who they are as a human.
Although, if we’re being honest, how they look in dress uniform might have played a role in the process.
Breaking through that invisible O/E friendship barrier was the best thing I’ve done as a spouse. When I decided to stop listening to the stereotypes and the unwritten rules, I gained a whole lot of love, light and laughter.
I’ve got a whole army of amazing friends that I know I can call on, day or night, for anything. Whatever our spouses do, we’ve got each other. And to be honest, none of us are really 100% sure what our active duty other half does some days.
We’re all in this together, all of us military spouses. We are all just trying to get through this wild ride, with our sanity mostly intact. So cross that “line” if you spot a kindred spirit. It will be so worth it.
There is a clear reason for that “line”. In the military what you “think”, should happen against the reality of life in the military is immaterial. No one in the military cares what the spouse wants,, thinks, or feels only what they need. Like most overindulged, privileged, pampered, spoiled millennials you need to grow up. Make an effort to put someone else first in your life, and help you service member spouse.
Thing is, that line is for the military member – not the spouse. The spouses are not in the military, they are with the military. As such there is no jurisdiction for the military to regulate behavior outside the privileges granted to the spouses (you can’t disregard traffic rules or risk not being able to drive on base and such). Telling a milspouse to put someone else first is like telling a fish to swim, it just comes naturally. We follow (at great cost to our education and careers) our loved ones from duty station to duty station to support them – we are putting them first. Sure, there are exceptions, but those are…. well, exceptional – not the norm. I have friends in both enlisted and officer circles (and civilian circles for that matter) and there is no damage to the good order and discipline of any unit as a result. Of course, if I was the member then the O/E separation would apply.
We were active duty military at a time when this ranking system was strictly followed. When I married my husband, he was an enlisted man, a tech sergeant with 12 years in. Within a year of marrying, he went to OTC and became an officer. From that point on, we never had any friends. All of the 1st Lt’s were 12 years younger than us, not married, and had no children. The couples that were our age, had children our age were to far above us in rank to socialize. So, we went from having lots of military friends to none at all. That was our life in the military for the next 15 years. Am I sorry my husband became an officer? No – more money in service and retirement. But I sometimes mourn the fact we had no close friends. I am glad those barriers are being lifted.
I remember a squadron get-together for spouses years ago when I was a fairly new military spouse. I was shy and would have trouble making friends anyway. But I went to this occasion determined to try and connect with other spouses. I was standing and joining in a conversation with several other spouses when something came up about rank. When the other women, who happened to be officer’s wives, found out my husband was enlisted, all of a sudden I was pointedly excluded from the conversation and they literally walked away. The fact that I was an intelligent, college graduate with professional credentials of my own (which many of the other women were not) meant nothing. I am glad to know things have changed from that perspective.
I agree with James. Clearly, this lady is just being a dependa. First of all, nobody cares. Being a military spouse isnt cause for a celebration. It just means that your husband or wife are in the military. As much as you may think you are.. you aren’t special. Apparently you’re more “special” than we thought, though, if you think anything better of yourself because of a career path someone else took. This is why we have a bad name. So thanks, for screwing that up for the rest of us. You and all the others like you.
Back in the early 1960’s the wife of a military officer was just as much “in the military” as he was. What you did reflected on your husband. So you volunteered on post, became a member of the Officer Wives Club, gave parties. etc. If you were overseas you were reminded that you were a representative of the United States of America as well as your children, so be on your best behavior. It did not hurt us, I think it helped keep us on the right track. What you put into your military life comes back positively. Our children had manners, showed respect for others, especially those of other cultures and today are at ease meeting people and making friends.